Essential parts of marriage: 16 F’s for a happy marriage
Friday, August 10, 2012
In our last
two editions of the popular Lovelines in this Holy Month of Ramadan, we have
discussed“in search of a
life partner,” and “love and marriage.” To round it up, it is important that we
take more steps further to explore the essential of marriage.
If you are still either a bachelor or spinster, it is close to obligation that you know these; probably you might be planning to get married soon. This period (Holy Month of Ramadan) I think could be a perfect time for us to talk about love in an Islamic point of view, as preferred by the Almighty Allah.
Marriage is a gift; a special bond between a man and a woman (husband and wife). Much has been written about how we should behave toward our spouses after marriage, but no teaching is more appropriate than the teaching of the Qur’an and the sunnah. A spouse has been described as “a partner, companion and better friend.” The closeness between spouses is unlike any other relationship.
The first among the 16 F’s that you need to put into consideration start with faith. The most important thing about a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple. It is when a marriage lacks this faith that distrust prevails, and one is bound to say. “I don’t trust my wife. Or I don’t trust my husband.”
Since Islam is a complete way of life, not just a religion confined to periodical worshiping, faithfulness becomes an integral part of a Muslim’s life. That frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of values that are not possible in interfaith marriages. Therefore, note that faith plays a crucial role in the development of a loving relationship.
According to Prophet Muhammad (PBOH), when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for the act, and Allah increases the bond of love between them. This means that if we love each other for the sake of Allah, we surely increase our faith.
One of the good attributes of a happy marriage is that the spouse should be able to forget and forgive; they should not hold grudges or act judgmentally towards each other. It is expected that sometime when we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt them. We should not lay blame but to move past it. Do we know how this can happen? Only if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness; so do not be stingy in forgiveness.
One of the most useful tools to have in managing a healthy lifestyle is forbearance. Being patient and forbearing will put us in proactive frame of mind. This will bring one closer to Allah. So many couples make themselves unnecessarily miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little. One thing, we should not allow our spouses to be our subjects. They have their own personalities, likes and dislikes.
Other essential attribute of marriage is friendship. This part has three components, according to some marriage counselors. First and foremost, develop a friendship with your spouses, because a relationship that is based on friendship is more likely to withstand outside pressures (from friends, relations and others). Accept, trust, honor and care for your friend, in spite of your differences. These are the aspect of friendship we should bring to our marriages.
part of friendship is to have good relations with the in-laws. This is an
aspect that causes most relationships to crumble. When couple compete as to
whose parents is more important, it becomes a constant source of grief.
usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to be unfair. We try to
convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be unjust in
our behavior and our statements. To use words such as “never” and “always” when
describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on the
Finance – money is one of the most common points of contention in marriages. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.
the prophet of Allah, Muhammad, stated that Allah forgive all sins if we repent
but not those we have committed against others, i.e hurt their feelings unless
the person we have hurt forgives us first. Couples are sometimes very careless
when it comes to their spouse’ feelings; they take them for granted and assume
that the other knows what they mean.
Freedom; religiously; marriage is a partnership and not a source of bondage or slavery. To consider the wife as one’s property is alien to the religion of Islam; especially so considering the Islamic concept of husband and wife.
Flirtation; A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their marriages by adopting special pet names for each other and secret communication styles etc.
You have to be frank. A misunderstanding happens when couples are not honest with each other. Marital relationship is where the partner must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the other’s feeling without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other’s inner self.
Facilitator: when choosing our life partner. We must, as the Prophet advised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that the first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah. This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partner’s spiritual development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family’s commitment to Allah and His religion.
To be all one can be to one’s spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one’s all. The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such a selfless giving is always rewarded abundantly. It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is perfect.
So many times couples fail to work on development fond for each other by failing to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective friends. And last but not the least is future. Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.
*Love is one of the most subtle blessings that the most Merciful one has bestowed upon humanity. It exists in everyone as a seed. This germinates under favorable circumstances and growing like a tree, blossoms into a flower, and finally ripens like a fruit to unite the beginning with the end.
*Love penetrates as a feeling into our inner being through the inlets of our eyes, ears, and heart. It then swells like water behind a dam, grows like an avalanche, or engulfs our very being like a flame. It starts to subside only when it results in union. The flame goes out, the reservoir empties and the avalanche melts away.
*Love is a natural and essential aspect of our being. But when it is transformed into "true love"-love of the Creator-it acquires its true nature and colour, and later becomes "pure" pleasure at the threshold of union.
the most direct and safest way to human perfection. It is difficult to attain
the rank of human perfection through ways that do not contain love. Other than
the way of "acknowledging one's innate impotence, poverty, and reliance on
God's Power and Riches, and one's zeal in His way and thanksgiving," no
other way to truth is equal to that of love.
*Love makes us forget our own existence, and annihilates our existence in the existence of our beloved. It therefore requires the lover always to want the beloved, and thus to dedicate himself or herself, without expecting any return, completely to the desires of the beloved. This is, according to my way of thinking, the essence of humanity.
Ya Abib (My Love),
It is impossible to express love with words, for love is an emotional state that can be understood only by the lover.
Lovers are intoxicated with their love, admiration, and appreciation of the beloved. Only the trumpet announcing the Day of Judgment will bring lovers to their senses.
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
So, Abib (Love), the minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere
They are in each other all along
When I am with you, we stay up all night
When you are not here, I cannot go to sleep
Praise God for those two insomnias and the differences between them!
Reason is powerless in the expression of Love
Again I declare my love for you...I love you more and more as day go bye.
Your Sweet Heart
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Author: Yunus Saliu