A Midget Fortune Teller

Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit.

The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large.

Finding a Husband

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign on the door reads:

Floor 1: These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:

Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:

Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.

Oh, mercy me! she exclaims, I can hardly stand it!

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Opportunist

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

Interesting facts about Iceland

Most Icelanders do not have a family name (such as Johnson, Smith, etc).So children have a given name and then father’s-name-son or father’s-name-daughter. Thus:

1. Jon has a son named Thor Jonsson and a daughter named Hafdis Jonsdottir.

2. Thor Jonsson has a son named Bjarni Thorsson and a daughter named Frida Thorsdottir.

3.And so forth.

• Icelandic women don’t take the husband’s name when they marry, chiefly because the husband doesn’t have a family name to take.

•Because they don’t have surnames, Icelanders are listed in the telephone directory alphabetically by first name.

• Because they don’t have surnames, it is not appropriate to call an Icelander by Mr. or Ms.Almost all Icelanders use the first name with everyone, including the president of Iceland.

•The English word geyser comes from Icelandic (perhaps the only Icelandic word imported into English). Geysir is the name of a famous geyser in Iceland (which, sadly, no longer erupts).

•The Icelanders speak the Icelandic language, which is used only in Iceland and among Icelandic expatriates chiefly in Scandinavia and North America. Icelandic is very similar to old Norwegian of about 1,000 years ago.

•There are only about 270,000 Icelanders in the country. About half of them live in the capital Reykjavik and its suburbs.

•Iceland is the world’s oldest democracy. Its parliament (Althingi) was founded about 1,000 years ago.

•Iceland has vast amounts of water because it rains so much. Icelandic water is so clean and pure that it is piped into the city and to the kitchen taps in the home without any treatment (no chlorination needed).

•Urban Icelandic homes do not need a water heater or a furnace for heating. Steam and hot water are piped into the city from natural geysers and hot springs for use in homes and buildings.

•Because of its bountiful water supply and many rivers, Iceland has vast reserves of hydroelectric power. Electricity is so inexpensive that aluminum ore (bauxite) is shipped in to the country, made into aluminum, and the aluminum ingots are shipped out again. (Smelting aluminum requires vast amounts of electricity.)

•The weather in Iceland is not as cold as you might think. (Winter is a heck of a lot colder in Minnesota than it is in Iceland!) The climate is relatively mild because of the influence of the Atlantic Ocean’s Gulf Stream. Average winter daytime temperature in Reykjavik is 31 degrees F. (1 degrees C.)

•Iceland is very green, because there is so much water and the climate is mild. (There are not many trees however.) People like to say that Iceland should be named Greenland and Greenland should be named Iceland. I used to tell my Icelandic friends that they should change the name of their country from Iceland to Waterland.

•Iceland lies just south of the Arctic Circle. Winter nights and summer days are long. On December 21 in the capital, the sun rises at 11:30 a.m. and sets at 3:30 p.m. On June 21 the sun sets about midnight and rises at 3:00 a.m. It never gets darker than twilight at night during the late spring and early summer.

•During a recent survey, Icelanders ranked the highest of all European countries in expressing general satisfaction with their lives.

•Icelanders rank near the top of world nations in the per capita rate of connection to the Internet.

•Iceland has no army, navy, or air force. It does have a Coast Guard.

Wisdom

Life is short and so is money.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Ask no questions and hear no lies.

Divide and conquer.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

Being cool, is not trying to be cool.

It’s good to be clever, but not to show it.

Patience is not a virtue, it is a waste of time.

Time is an illusion, lunchtime, doubly so.

Rules without relationship equals rebellion.

No culture can live, if it attempts to be exclusive.

Honesty is the best policy.

If you see something you like, take it and make it better.

If we let things terrify us, life will not be worth living.

The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.

A lawful kiss is never worth a stolen one.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.

A friend is someone who has the same enemies you have.

I’m serious; it was only a joke.

One drop of ink may make a million think.

I only work to enjoy when I am not working.