For the love of pets

This chap and his wife loved Budgerigars (A type of bird) and they went to a pet shop and bought one. They bought a cage and some seed and took it home. They filled the seed bowl and the baby budgie hopped onto the rim and in one suck swallowed the lot. It then swelled to twice its size. They refilled the bowl and it swallowed that in one enormous suck. It then swelled to twice its size. Every time they filled the bowl the bird just hopped onto the rim and with one suck emptied it and then immediately grew to twice its size.

Well the couple thought that this was a laugh, until the second day when they placed a large bowl in the cage and filled it with a whole box of seed, and the Budgie just sucked the lot up in one enormous swallow and then grew to twice its size and showed that it could also talk. It bellowed in a stentorian voice.... "More Seed! More Seed! More Seed!" and kept it up making all the windows shake and the crockery rattle.

It kept it up till the bowl was filled and just as fast emptied the bowl and then started on the shout for .... "More Seed! More Seed" More Seed!" After a day and a night the couple realized that it was an all day and all night job, and very expensive, because the bird was gobbling seed faster than they were earning the money to buy it. They went back to the Pet Shop and told the Shopkeeper what had happened. He immediately said, "No, No, You cannot return it!"

The man said, "We don't want to return it, cause we love the thing, but what can we do - it is so big that it is out of its cage and fills the sitting room and just keeps demanding... "More Seed! More Seed! More Seed!" The shopkeeper said, "This is an abnormal bird known in Budgie Circles as a Rarey Bird because they are mutants and they just eat and eat and get bigger and bigger and live for years and years. You have got a problem because you cannot kill them. Bullets just go into them and they digest the lead and just get bigger. Poison the same. They are too big to strangle or to stab or beat to death, and so you just have to live with it!"

The man said, "But we just cannot go on like this we are exhausted feeding it and working to feed it!" The Shopkeeper said, "Yeah I know - that is why we NEVER ever take Rarey Birds back - they are a real problem. The only way to kill them is to drop them from a great height. Like from an aeroplane, cause they are too big to fly and the smash into the ground kills them instantly as they are so heavy! The trouble is that by the time you find out what they are it is too late, they are too heavy to get up in a plane. You will just have to buy all of my seed and put up with it!"

The couple put up with it for another week and by this time they had got even fonder than ever of the Budgie. They even called it Rarey and it answered to its name by shouting.... "More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY!" They sold the car, they sold the washing machine, they sold the fridge, they sold the furniture, they sold the garden shed, they sold the lawn mower - they became so poor that eventually they couldn't even afford another packet of seed.

The man said, "We are going to have to kill RAREY! We still have the wheelbarrow and two planks and we will have to struggle up to the top of the mountain and tip it over the precipice and let it smash down to the ground. Well the wife cried and so did the man, but it was inevitable and so they laid the two planks on the wheelbarrow and using long poles as fulcrums finally got the Rarey Bird onto the planks where it immediately started to shout, "More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY!"

I will brush over the terrible journey they had to get the RAREY BIRD to the top of the mountain, suffice it to say that they had to hitch pulleys to trees and pull it up to each tree and then start all over again - and all of the time there was this stentorian bellowing from the bird... "More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY! More Seed for RAREY!"

Well affection for pets has to stop somewhere and I am sorry to recount that by the time they finally struggled to the top of the mountain they were actually looking forward to shutting the poor things beak forever. They just had one final hurdle to overcome. How could they tip the wheelbarrow, two planks and the RAREY BIRD high enough so that the bird went over the precipice? T

hey finally solved this by using the same ploy that the Ancient Britons used to build Stonehenge.... They jacked up the rear of the wheelbarrow and placed stones and earth under the legs. They repeated this until the wheelbarrow, planks and the RAREY BIRD were tilted at an angle so acute that the slightest push would tip it all over the precipice.

The couple walked around the wheelbarrow to the edge of the precipice and stood looking down. The man said, "Wow, some drop - that must be at least 2000 feet from the edge to the ground below.! They stood there in silence for a moment and then became aware that the RAREY BIRD was no longer shouting, "More Seed for RAREY!", but was singing. They had never heard it sing before and stood quietly listening. The Bird was singing....  Oh, it's a long way to Tip a Rarey; it's a long way to go!"

Two tribes

Deep in the darkest jungles of old time Africa there were two tribes and they hated each other. One tribe lived at the foot of a massive mountain and they panned for gold in the river and mined for gold in the mountain. They were RICH!

The other tribe lived in a swamp area and lived on crocodiles and fish and they were POOR! They never visited each other except to raid each others grass huts and plunder them. Of course there were pretty poor pickings when the RICH tribe raided the POOR tribe, but it had become a time unhonored tradition and each tribe kept the tradition alive.

One day the chief of the RICH tribe had a visit from his resident snitch who said, "Hey Chief! The POOR people have heard about your solid gold throne and they are planning to come over tomorrow and steal it from you!" The RICH Chief was beside himself, he loved that gold throne and so he called in his resident Wise Man and asked him what he should do.

The Resident Wise Man said, "Chief you have got to make the Gold Throne disappear! I suggest that you get your men to stick long wood poles into the roof of your Grass palace and using pulleys and your strongest men stick the throne up in the roof of your Grass Palace. The POOR people will never think to look up there!" The Chief immediately ordered this to be done.

The very next day the POOR tribe attacked and swept through the village searching everywhere. They found NOTHING! The RICH tribe were hiding in the mines in the mountains and when the POOR tribe left the RICH tribe came out and went back down to their village and began a great celebration.

The Chief stood in the centre of his Grass Palace and looking up at the roof started to crow..... "Those POOR shmucks ain't got no idea! Right over their heads and they missed it!" Suddenly there were several tremendous large bangs and the wooden poles supporting the Gold Throne snapped and down came two ton of Gold Throne on top of the RICH Tribes Chief and killed him stone dead. The Moral of this story is...... People who live in Grass Houses shouldn't stow thrones!

A friend indeed

This man was famous the world over for the Tulips that he grew. People used to come from all over just to admire them and to try and get the secret of how he grew them from him. He was very cagey and would say, "I just put the bulbs in and they come up like that all perfect."

Of course no one believed him, but no matter what ploy was used. no one could discover just what it was that turned ordinary bulbs into the most beautiful Tulip Blooms that anyone had ever grown. Whole fields of them identical and all perfect.

Well he had this friend (we all know friends like this one), who had decided that he would get the secret and make some money on the side. He got the Tulip Grower drunk on Home Made Wine and gradually turned the conversation around to Tulip Growing. You will know how trusting you are when you are drunk and the Tulip Grower was no exception!

He gradually relaxed and to the direct question, "How do you do it?" He replied... "I use Hamsters!" The Cunning Friend said, "Don't be daft, how can Hamsters make Ordinary Tulip Bulbs produce blooms like you can?"

The Tulip Grower said, On my other property I breed Hamsters - not just a few, but thousands. When they are adults I run over them with a steam roller and crush them into pulp. I then bulldoze the pulp into a machine which cans them into 7lb jam tins which I store in a big warehouse.

At the start of the growing season I go out at night with lorry loads of the tins and open them and spread them all over the fields, I then get a tractor and plough and I plough it all into the ground and then the next day I plant the Tulip Bulbs and you have seen for yourself the results."

His friend said, "Well I suppose it works, but I don't see how!" The Tulip Grower said, "Obvious, isn't it? I copied the idea from the Dutch, they are Tulips from Hamster Jam!"