Patriots

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We`re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below.

The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

NUTS

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You cant drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they’re all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I’m taking them to the beach!"

Mysterious

An Amish woman is trotting down a road in her horse and buggy when she gets pulled over by a cop. "I am not going to ticket you this time, maam," the cop said, "but I must issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I will let my husband know just as soon as I get home," she replied.

"Very well. Another thing, maam. I dont like the way that one rein loops across the horses back and around one of his testicles. I consider that to be animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that immediately," the cop instructed. Later that day, the woman is telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"What exactly did he say, dear," her husband asked. "He said the reflector is broken," she replied. "No problem. I can fix that in two minutes. What else did he say?" he inquired. "I’m not sure... something about the emergency brake."

Sleazy

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, i’ll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, ill stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is it? I;ve told you I;m a beautiful Princess, that Ill stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won;t you kiss me? The boy said, "Look I;m a computer programmer. I dont have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

Police

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Circle Fly

During a traffic stop a police officer is swatting at a fly that is circling around his head, and blurts out what kind of damn fly is that anyhow. The traffic offender replies, "that’s a circle fly".

The officer replies that he’s never heard of a "circle fly". The offender replies circle flies are usually found circling around a horses ass. Enraged, the police officer says, "are you calling me a horses ass?" , to which the traffic offender replied, "no sir, but you can’t fool a circle fly.

First Class

A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the flight attendant asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke.

After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where’s my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The fight attendant runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the fight attendant makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal.

The businessman asks for another coke. Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where’s my coke! The service here stinks!"

Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane. At 30, 000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

Airline Captain

An airline captain was breaking in an Antartian as a stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldnt get out of her room.

"You can’t get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb!!’’