Honda Pollution

• A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself uncontrollably passing gas in large volumes. Additionally, the flatulence had the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA.

" The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... What would the Toyota people think? Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physician's aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing.

Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem." "What is it?" the man asked. "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist. "An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man. "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Everyone knows, abscess makes the fart go Honda."

Ancient Wisdom

• Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world. -Archimedes

• Education is an ornament in prosperity and a refuge in adversity. - Aristotle

• Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies. - Aristotle

• In all things of nature there is something of the marvelous. -Aristotle

• Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. - Aristotle

• Nature does nothing uselessly. - Aristotle The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet. - Aristotle

• Wit is educated insolence. - Aristotle

• Well begun is half-done. - Aristotle

• It is possible to provide security against other ills, but as far as death is concerned, we men live in a city without walls. - Epicurus

• The art of living well and the art of dying well are one. - Epicurus

• The greater the difficulty,the more the glory in surmounting it. - Epicurus

• At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet. - Plato

• One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. - Plato

• Only the dead have seen the end of the war. - Plato

• Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. - Plato

• At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet. - Plato

• I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better. - Plutarch

• Painting is silent poetry, and poetry is painting that speaks. - Plutarch

• He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature. - Socrates

• My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

• Not life, but good life, is to be chiefly valued. - Socrates

• The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing. - Socrates

• Wisdom begins in wonder. - Socrates

• Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other. - Euripides

• Ten soldiers wisely led will beat a hundred without a head. - Euripides

• Youth is the best time to be rich, and the best time to be poor. - Euripides

• Wisdom outweighs anywealth. - Sophocles .Success is dependent on effort. -Sophocles

Comedy

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio.

* China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.)

* If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.

* Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

*  Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

* My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game.

* I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.

* Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.

* After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, “No hablo ingles.” (Ronnie Shakes)

* Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”

* A teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the counsellor that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the counsellor asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”

*I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough.