Enemies
Toward the end of a religious service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady . "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? " "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"  The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches, that is, all my enemies!"


Under duress
During the Cold war era, an archaeologist found a mummy in Egypt. An international debate starts over how old it could be... Nobody knew, so the mummy was brought to various countries for analysis by different experts... It was brought to the USA first, the US specialists said, it is 3.000 years old.

Then, the Japanese, precise as usually, found that it was 2.953 years old.   The Russians came with the final result: "The mummy is 2.953 years, 5 months, 2 weeks and 4 days old". Journalists curiously asked how they found this out, the Russians replied: "The mummy was taken to the KGB and he confessed under torture"
 

KGB wisdom
In a school in the Soviet Union, the teacher talks about the importance of work. Teacher: "Vladimir, what does your father do? What does he work?" Vladimir: "He's a doctor!" Teacher: "Great! Why don't you come here and sit in the first row!" The kid goes and sits down in the front bench. The teacher continues...

Teacher: "Boris, your father?" Boris: "He's a university professor!" Teacher: "Excellent! Come and site in the first row with Vladimir!" Boris sits down near Vladimir in the first row. The teacher asks Sergey... Teacher: "Sergey, what does your father do?" Sergey: "He works at the KGB. Interrogation section." Teacher: "Oh! Well... Why don't you Vladimir and Boris sit back on your seats ant let Sergey come sit in the first row?!"
 
Assasin
During the 1980s a secret agent was sent to the Communist Republic Of Romania to assassinate Nicolae Ceau?escu, the most dangerous dictator of communist Europe. The agent went to a public meeting and tries to aim, but... he could not shoot the dictator. He tried again, again and again, but he could not do it... When he returned to his headquarters in Washington, he was asked by his chief what happened.

Agent: "Whenever I managed to crawl forward to find myself a good position, tried to aim, but then the whole crowd looked at me and started shouting: SHOOT HIM, SHOOT HIM, SHOOT HIM!"
 
Three Agents
During the Cold War, various countries had various secret services and national security agencies that worked to protect national security. Three secret agents meet to discuss about their job: an American, a Russian and a Romanian. They are discussing about how well the state secrets are being kept in their countries.

American agent: "I work together with my wife at the CIA, she has no idea about what I work and I have no idea about what she does either! Secrets are well kept" Russian KGB agent: "In my country it's more so, I work in the same office with my wife, neither of us has any clue about what the other is working" Romanian Securitate agent: "In my country, it's even better! I work alone in my office and I have no idea about what I should do there!"
 

Cracks on Global Warming
"Climate experts say we should tell villagers in developing countries to reduce the amount of cooking smoke they generate to help fix global warming. You know, it's as if these people don't hate us enough already. I mean, they live in mud huts, they have thatch roofs, their clothes are made of straw. We pull up in a bunch of Humvees and SUVs going, 'Hey, you want to cut the smoke out of here?'" --Jay Leno

"According to a new U.N. report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet." --Jay Leno "The emperor has a plan. He says that if we need to, we can lower the temperature dramatically just by switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius" --Jimmy Kimmel, on fighting global warming

"Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing: Gary Coleman is going to drown." --Conan O'Brien "Some good news. Finally, The emperor is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother." --David Letterman "Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice." --David Letterman

"We estimate that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply thaw and wander around, it's not a problem, but if they find a leader -- a Captain Caveman, if you will -- we'll be facing an even more serious problem." --Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, on the dangers of global warming

"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien  "Al Gore said over the weekend that global warming is more serious than terrorism. Unless the terrorist is on your plane, then that extra half a degree doesn't bother you so much." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people think global warming is causing these terrible hurricanes. See I think to stop global warming we should move in the other direction. We should move towards a second ice age. Follow me, if the glaciers are coming towards us at like an inch a year, then the government would have time to respond." --Jay Leno

"Barbra Streisand told Diane Sawyer that we're in a global warming crisis, and we can expect more and more intense storms, droughts and dust bowls. But before they act, weather experts say they're still waiting to hear from Celine Dion." --Jay Leno  "Governor Schwarzenegger spoke about the dangers of global warming. Schwarzenegger's exact words were: fire, hot, bad." --Conan O'Brien